I come from a family in which much emphasis is put on appearance, and we also love food. This, among other things, led me to feel constant self-doubt about how I was appearing to others, which made me feel very empty and anxious, which made me want to eat. A LOT. The level of discomfort with my insecurity and compulsive behavior built to a point that it seemed I had no other option but to turn within. Then, when I discovered my heart, I had an experience of my beauty. It is very difficult to put into words. This gave me strength. I began to trust myself again and let go of my compulsion,and began to love what I felt and what I saw in the mirror. Now, and for many years, I am freer. I always look into my eyes. Some days I don’t completely love what I see, especially when I am angry or tired and my radiance is harder to access.
I also learned about my beauty from men who love(d) me. Their reflections of me, the desire they showed for my softness and my strength and the value they placed on them, in addition to their rejection of my defensive self-hate of specific body parts, had a profound impact on me and I thank them all for what they have brought out and witnessed in me.
I do not want to put any energy into hating myself. I have far better ways of using my time and energy. I hope that as I continue to age I can find and emulate models of women who are comfortable with aging naturally, who don’t buy into the need to “fix” what is natural. I don’t like needles or knives, but as a product of the culture, I also do not love sagging and wrinkles (YET) and I think it is difficult to face death. But I am not really afraid of grieving, and I think that has a lot to do with shifting attitudes about aging.
I am posting here as a proclamation to myself and others that I am serious about finding beauty in my body and face as it changes and I am interested in connecting with other women who are willing to let go of the ridiculous pressure to be a certain way and instead discover meaning in their bodies other than as tools for commerce and sex. I hope the conversation continues . . .

 

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